Sunday, 30 March 2014

Back to the exercise floor! - Series 1, part 2

For those of you who missed part 1, click here.

"Getting back to the course! 

The room finally empties after what feels like an aeon of diaper changing, breast feeding and exchanging of infants dietary needs and we are left with four mothers and children as well as the midwife, who proceeds to ask us to present our essential data:

- Name
- Name of child
- Birthday of child
- Birth method of child 
(why is this such a popular sharing topic among mothers? I am left baffled at the number of unrequested details I have been given on other mothers' experiences during birth, their pain, their injuries, and their apparent fearlessness of telling their story to anyone and everyone, including in front of huge audiences.)
- Previous experience with pelvic exercises

Once the interesting collection of data is done, she tells us exactly why the exercises we have learned previously, primarily what is called the ‘elevator’ exercise (something like imagining pulling up your pelvic muscles; everyone says you can do this wherever you are and no one will notice, but it is very easy to tell when pregnant women look a bit constipated that that is what they are doing) which apparently is very popular in pre-natal preparation courses, are completely ineffective, as, according to her, they leave the exersizee tensing the upper body and top layer of the pelvic muscle area while the lower area remains floppy. 

She assures us that she will teach us how to properly strengthen this particular area of our body to avoid any flopping, flapping or other undesirable effects ‘down there’. Yeah, what a relief!

As seems to be part of the honour codex of midwives in exercising their trade, she then launches into a detailed description of the pelvic muscle area, including hammocks, rings and wreaths, putting me in mind of garden design and rather uncomfortably wondering whether I need the inner workings of my ‘lady garden’ described in this particular set-up."

More about the exercises next time... Make sure to get me to tell you about the very colourful German expressions used to describe all things to do with pregnancy and the related female anatomy some time.

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